


Five Times Sam Learned One of Steve's Secrets

by storiesfortravellers



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Asthma, Cynicism, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fake Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Referenced Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-05 01:04:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4159746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Steve and Sam are Army Rangers, and Steve loses faith in what he's fighting for. References to some Howling Commandos, and to the Bucky&Steve friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Sam Learned One of Steve's Secrets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [geckoholic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/gifts).



> Steve's experiences make him cynical about war and the military, a somewhat more extreme version of how canon!Steve is against many of SHIELD's choices - please do not read if this will offend you.

1\. Steve ran outside, trying not to wake anyone, but the exertion only made him pant harder.

He ran toward the trees, which were just a couple hundred feet from the candidates’ quarters, from the 30 bunks full of aspiring Army Rangers who would love to find a reason to knock the current #1 out of the competition.

As soon as he had cover, he leaned over, hands against a tree trunk, and sunk to his knees. He closed his eyes, willed himself to breathe steadily, but the run had made his breath short and stuttering, rough wheezing scraping in and out of his chest.

“Rogers?”

Steve looked up.

Sam Wilson. Another Rangers candidate. 

_Shit. ___

__“Rogers? You okay?”_ _

__Steve nodded. “Just… want… to be alone,” he managed to gasp out between breaths._ _

__Sam paused, then knelt beside him. He put a hand on Steve’s back. “Okay. In a second. Just … relax, okay?”_ _

__Steve looked away. He wished he could shove Sam away but the guy didn’t really deserve it. And the hand sliding up and down his back was actually helping._ _

__In a minute, Steve was breathing cautiously but steadily._ _

__He rolled back to sit on the ground and looked up at Sam._ _

__“You don’t have to explain,” Sam said softly._ _

__Steve blinked. He wasn’t expecting that._ _

__“I…” Steve paused. He looked at Sam’s eyes, large, worried. They were close to quarters but it felt like they were in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by trees and darkness, crickets chirping in the humid night air._ _

__“I’m fine,” Steve said, swallowing._ _

__Sam stood, then gave Steve a hand up too. “Good.”_ _

__“How did…”_ _

__Sam shrugged. “I saw you run out of quarters like a bat out of hell, so I wanted to make sure nothing was wrong. Outside, I figured you either disappeared into thin air or ran toward the woods.”_ _

__“Thought I didn’t wake anyone.”_ _

__“Didn’t. I don’t … sleep well,” Sam said, voice cracking a little._ _

__“Sorry.”_ _

__“It’s okay.”_ _

__“…Who?” Steve asked._ _

__Sam looked up quickly. “I… it was my best friend. Riley.”_ _

__“When?”_ _

__“A little over a year ago. Still keeps me up at night.”_ _

__“I get it.”_ _

__“Yeah?”_ _

__Steve looked down and nodded, not wanting to elaborate._ _

__“So… you need medical or anything?” Sam said eventually._ _

__“No,” Steve said quickly. “Please – I’m fine.”_ _

__Sam just looked at him. “All right. If you say so.”_ _

__Steve paused. Sam was standing close, leaning in, as if he were afraid Steve would fall at any moment. It felt…wrong to lie to him._ _

__“Look, you can’t tell anyone, okay?” Steve said._ _

__“Sure.”_ _

__“I… used to have asthma.”_ _

__“I didn’t realize that went away.”_ _

__“I did this experimental medical treatment. Right before I enlisted. But it takes a while for the full effects. It can still be triggered by certain events.”_ _

__“Like sleeping?” Sam said skeptically, then after a moment: “Oh. Nightmare.”_ _

__“But in a few months, the symptoms should be completely gone. I won’t be a danger to myself or my team. I swear.”_ _

__Sam nodded._ _

__“They’ll kick me out of the army if they know,” Steve said._ _

__Sam sighed. “You’re sure you’ll be all right?”_ _

__“Positive.”_ _

__“All right. Stays between us.”_ _

__Steve grinned at him. “Thank you. Really.”_ _

__Sam shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. If anything, you’re less annoying now that you’re not all perfect and shit.”_ _

__Steve rolled his eyes and they both managed to laugh._ _

__\--_ _

__2\. Steve and Sam both got selected to be Rangers and were sent to different teams. Sam did well, moving up impressively. To Sam’s complete lack of surprise, Steve did extraordinarily well, soon becoming a legend among soldiers for making daring, seemingly impossible saves. (Steve was also notorious among commanding officers for being a stubborn pain in the ass who was far too much of a Boy Scout when it came to civilians, but that didn’t surprise Sam one bit either – it may have even been something they had in common.)_ _

__They didn’t really keep in touch that well, since they were both always on missions, but once in a while they emailed. Usually a few months would go by, Sam would send a video of some good classic musician (Steve desperately needed a musical education), and Steve would respond by sending Sam a thanks and a video of dogs catching Frisbees or horses making friends with cats or something else ridiculous._ _

__Three years after selection, Sam got called in early by his CO._ _

__“Wilson. Do you know Steve Rogers?” Even senior officers spoke his name with awe these days._ _

__“Yes, sir. We were at selection together.”_ _

__“Well, it looks like you made an impression. You’ve been transferred to his unit. At his personal request. You leave tonight.”_ _

__“Yes, sir.”_ _

__\--_ _

__Sam got along well with the guys – Jim, Gabe, Dernier, and DumDum. Steve listened to all of them, valued their input, and Sam’s too. And of course Steve always put himself in the riskiest position, but they all trusted him to come out on top._ _

__They went on one mission after another, and the brass loved their success rate enough that they overlooked the attitude that everyone in the unit seemed to have._ _

__Sam had never felt more at home in the army._ _

__On most away missions, Steve and Sam shared a tent. Sam would listen closely to Steve’s breathing as he slept, worried, but he never heard anything wrong except for the occasional waking up screaming (and who didn’t have that problem?)._ _

__Sam still didn’t sleep that well, so he always knew when Steve woke up._ _

__Sometimes, Steve didn’t sleep that well either, and they would stay up and talk._ _

__“Do you feel like you’re fighting for our country?” Steve asked him one night._ _

__“Don’t you?” Sam asked. He wasn’t sure where this was coming from._ _

__Steve shook his head. “I used to. Now I’m fighting for the guy next to me. That’s it.”_ _

__Sam stared at him. He was lying there, so strong looking, near-invincible body, but his eyes looked broken._ _

__“But you re-enlisted,” Sam said._ _

__Steve gave a crooked smile. “Yeah, at this point, I just don’t think I can do anything else.”_ _

__“What happened?” Sam asked softly._ _

__“You know.... Same old shit,” Steve said. He turned away then, rolled over and curled up. Sam wanted to get closer, to curl up around him and tell him it would be all right, but he stayed on his side of the tent._ _

__\--_ _

__3\. On another night, after another crap mission, they all get drunk as hell and laugh and cry and watch DumDum try full contact arm wrestling until Jim tells everyone to head home before they cause some real trouble._ _

__Steve decides to walk Sam to his place, and Sam invites him in._ _

__“I heard you re-enlisted,” Steve says once they’re inside, breathless almost, words slurring._ _

__“Yeah.”_ _

__“But you didn’t want to,” Steve says sadly._ _

__“What do you mean?_ _

__Steve shakes his head. “I know you talked to the VA about training to be a peer counselor. You’d rather be doing that – wouldn’t you?”_ _

__“Steve--”_ _

__“Did you stay for me?” Steve asks, leaning in, grabbing Sam’s shirt lightly in his fingers._ _

__“I thought you wanted me here.”_ _

__Steve smiles sadly, gives half a laugh. “Obviously I want you here. You’re the only reason I’m keeping it together, Sam. But I don’t want you to stay if you… if you need to….”_ _

__Sam tightens his jaw, leads a large but pliant Steve over to sit on the couch. Sam sits on the couch’s arm and says, “I’d follow you anywhere, Steve.”_ _

__Steve looks like he’s about to start crying, but then he pulls Sam down and kisses him, sloppy, needy._ _

__“Sorry,” Steve says quickly, “Sorry.”_ _

__“Don’t be,” Sam says, then kisses back, and he’s still feeling all that Scotch but he likes to think that his kiss is smooth and suave and not sloppy at all, despite the fact that he appears to have left some drool on Steve’s jaw._ _

__“We should talk about this in the morning,” Sam says, then adds, tentatively, “You should sleep here.”_ _

__Steve just smiles goofily, nods, then rests his head on the couch and closes his eyes._ _

__\--_ _

__“So… we’re doing this then?” Steve said with a nervous smile. They had just finished a productive, though awkward as hell, talk over breakfast._ _

__“Yes, I know it’s hard to believe you’re dating someone so good-looking,” Sam said with a wink._ _

__“It’s hard to believe I’m dating someone who runs an 8-minute mile,” Steve countered._ _

__“Don’t be a dick,” Sam warned, jokingly wagging a finger._ _

__Steve shrugged. “Comes natural. You’ll get used to it.”_ _

__They both laughed and Sam leaned over for a long, decidedly non-sloppy, kiss._ _

__\--_ _

__4\. Four months later, they have their first fight._ _

__“You said you could handle taking orders. Keeping our personal life separate.”_ _

__Sam glared. “I can follow orders just fine. But I don’t like being lied to, by my boyfriend _ _or__ my CO!”_ _

__“It’s just something I have to do.”_ _

__“Then let me have your back.”_ _

__Steve paused. “I can’t, Sam. I’m sorry.” He turned away._ _

__“Is this about the guy who almost killed you?”_ _

__Steve turned back around slowly. “What do you know about him?”_ _

__“That you almost got popped last year by some sniper. That you’ve been trying to track him down ever since. Obsessively. Some might say.”_ _

__“It hasn’t affected any of my missions.”_ _

__“Our missions. And it’s affecting the team now. Because all of a sudden you’re secretive.”_ _

__“You kept my secrets before.”_ _

__“Because you trusted me,” Sam pointed out. “And don’t tell me I should shut up and do nothing while you go off on some non-sanctioned op and won’t even tell us why.”_ _

__“I have to go before the lead dries up, Sam. But if – if you wait, when I come back, I’ll tell you about it. I promise.”_ _

__“No. Read me in. Let me have your back.” Sam tried to make himself sound authoritative, but he knew it probably sounded desperate. He _was_ desperate – he had never seen Steve like this, and it scared the hell out of him._ _

__After a long pause, Steve sighed. He nodded. “Get your gear. Wheels up in ten.”_ _

__\--_ _

__“I was in art school,” Steve said, as they flew over a long stretch of water._ _

__“What?”_ _

__“Before. I wanted to draw. That’s funny, right? Me, being an artist.”_ _

__“Not really,” Sam said._ _

__“I was in art school, and my best friend, Bucky, he was in the army. He wrote me every week, telling me about everything. How hot it was. The ladies he was dating. Comedy videos. Random stuff, every week. Until he didn’t. That’s how I knew something was wrong.”_ _

__Sam put his arm on Steve’s knee. “I’m sorry.”_ _

__“They told everyone he was dead.”_ _

__Sam tensed. “He wasn’t?”_ _

__“He’s off book now. An assassin.” Steve looked back at Sam. “I grieved for him. His family did, too. He was my inspiration for joining the army, Sam.”_ _

__Sam paused, realizing: “He’s the man who almost killed you.” Steve's silence confirmed it. "Do you know why he did it?"_ _

__“I – I had a team before you guys,” Steve said, looking down at his hands._ _

__“What happened?” Sam asked, exhaling, sensing the answer._ _

__“We got sent to a valley. Knew it was a bad idea, in that region. Ambushed, outnumbered.”_ _

__“Shit.”_ _

__“I called for backup, for help. They kept saying no one was available. One of my guys died on the scene. The three others got wounded, bad, but I got them to cover and did what I could medically. We defended our position for 10 hours before help came.”_ _

__“Holy shit, Steve.”_ _

__“One more died on the Medivac in transit. The other two died the next day at the hospital. The injuries were too severe. I lost them all, Sam.”_ _

__Sam held Steve’s hand, gripped it tight._ _

__“I was supposed to watch out for them,” Steve said, breath hitching._ _

__“You did, Steve. They knew you were there. They knew you had gotten them out of there.”_ _

__Steve looked at him, jaw tight. “They gave me a shitload of medals. You know that? Because I wanted medals instead of backup.”_ _

__Sam frowned. From the sound of it, Steve damn well earned those medals. But he knew this wasn’t the time to argue._ _

__“And you know why help didn’t come?” Steve added, rage barely controlled. “Because some CEO was touring the mines for rare earth minerals. And they wouldn’t take away anyone assigned to his security.”_ _

__“And you raised hell about it,” Sam said._ _

__“Damn right. Went to the press. Went to everyone.”_ _

__“And then you get shot at by a black ops assassin.”_ _

__“In the shoulder.”_ _

__“You’re lucky.”_ _

__Steve shook his head. “Not luck. He doesn’t miss, Sam. It’s because he saw my face. He saw it was me, then missed on purpose. I’m positive.”_ _

__“And if you’re wrong?”_ _

__“I’m not.”_ _

__“Steve. You need to be prepared.”_ _

__“I can’t abandon him, Sam. He’s my friend.”_ _

__Sam sighed. He knew there was no winning this argument._ _

__\--_ _

__Sam heard the shots, then ran over the hill, trying to catch sight of Steve._ _

__He breathed out in relief when he saw Steve standing there, leaning against a Jeep._ _

__“He shot out the tires so I couldn’t follow him,” Steve said with a frown. “Bucky’s gone.”_ _

__“Okay. Okay," Sam said, still breathing hard. "We’ll hold the position until a ride comes. We’ll say it was intel gathering, and the locals shot the tires from that ridge.”_ _

__Sam called for transport, then walked over to stand next to Steve. Finally, Sam said “We need to consider that he might come back to finish the job.”_ _

__“He won’t.”_ _

__“Steve--”_ _

__“I was right, Sam. He saw that it was me and missed on purpose last time. Barely grazed me but it looked like a real attempt. He admitted it.” He didn’t look happy for a guy who just got good news._ _

__“What else did he say?”_ _

__“That he’s not black-ops. He’s an assassin for hire. And that I shouldn’t ever contact him again. He -- he said he doesn’t need my help.”_ _

__Sam tried not to let his relief show. At least the highly trained assassin wasn’t trying to draw Steve in._ _

__“I know this must be hard for you, Steve.”_ _

__“When he realized someone put a hit on me, he missed on purpose.... Then he killed the guy who put out the hit.” Steve's voice cracked a little._ _

__“Oh.”_ _

__“I never would have asked him to – anyone to--”_ _

__“I know.” Sam touched his arm, but Steve didn’t notice. He pulled Steve into a hug, and Steve barely returned it._ _

__Their truck arrived soon after. Steve said almost nothing the whole trip back._ _

__\--_ _

__5\. For days, Steve refused to talk about it._ _

__But Sam knew Steve well, and though it almost killed him not to ask, he waited. And waited._ _

__Finally, as they lay in bed one night, completely dark, Steve whispered, “I asked him why he did it.”_ _

__“Why he saved you?”_ _

__“Why he turned into… you know.”_ _

__“Oh.” That didn't sound like a question that could possibly have a good answer._ _

__“He said it didn’t matter what side you were on. That killing for one guy was just the same as killing for the next.”_ _

__“That must have been hard to hear.”_ _

__Steve turned around to face Sam. “That’s the thing. I get it. I get it, Sam. That’s really fucked up, right?”_ _

__“It’s not fucked up to forgive your friend.”_ _

__“It’s not forgiveness. I _ _get__ it. How he could do something like that.” Steve was staring at Sam now, eyes wild. _ _

__“You couldn’t ever do that,” Sam reassured him. He ran his fingers lightly along Steve’s arm._ _

__“I let him go. I could have stopped him. But I told him to leave and shoot out our tires. I’m sorry I lied, Sam.”_ _

__Sam inhaled sharply. But he pushed it aside, pushed the hurt and fear and confusion aside, and he drew Steve closer, embraced him. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay, Steve.”_ _

__Steve nestled his face in Sam’s neck and stayed there a long time. Finally, he leaned back and said, “You remember when you asked me what I would do after the army? What would make me happy?”_ _

__“Yeah.”_ _

__“I still don’t know. But I’m thinking about it.”_ _

__Sam frowned. “We have another three years before we get that option, Steve,” he reluctantly reminded him._ _

__“I know. But if we survive, I’m thinking about it.”_ _

__Sam just held Steve tighter. “Good.”_ _


End file.
